I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
