Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
