On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
