textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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