Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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