True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
