So drunk, too bad you don't want this
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
