i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
