I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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