I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
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i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
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I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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