and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
