I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
