glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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