things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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