OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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