I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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