peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
