I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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