Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
