I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
