I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
