On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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