she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
