I don't have enough holes for all these australians
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize