When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
