That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just invented taco cereal.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The power of my boobs compel you
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
