3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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