Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
