I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
