someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
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