i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
