he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
