Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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