ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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