Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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