I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
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I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
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I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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