i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
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Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
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Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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