Michael Bay diarrhea
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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