went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
