At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
