this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
