the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
