you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
