In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm having to shit out rocks
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