This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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