Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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