I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
