Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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