I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
