I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
