apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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