Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
