I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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