: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Randomize
